I’ve decided to accept a challenge and to try to rebuild a new habit. The challenge is to stop complaining.
The truth is I’ve been struggling a bit lately, feeling sad and angry more than I would like. I feel vulnerable to fire and hardship in Sonoma County (where we still have friends and community and our little apple farm, where we will retire and I will grow old happily pickling vegetables and making apple butter). I feel stressed and discouraged by pressures of juggling shifting management tasks and training programming, and suddenly picking up an additional full caseload to cover for staffing shortages. Once you start down the path of despair, there’s always climate change and politics and the cruelty of the criminal punishment bureaucracy to make things feel apocalyptic. It can seem like everyone is complaining and looking to find fault with me. Or perhaps I am complaining too much and looking to find fault with myself and others.
A source of optimism for me is the knowledge that I can always re-examine which of my habits are serving me and which are not. Then I can make a shift. It doesn’t need to be big or dramatic. Actually, I’ll accept it more and retain it longer if the new habit is something small but persistent.
Yoga has a useful term, samskara, that describes a pattern or habit as a groove. (Samskara is discussed nicely here.) I picture this like a small creek that can form a massive canyon over time. The water can flow easily, it’s the repetition that forms the groove.
The actions and thoughts we repeat form grooves of habits. As the grooves deepen, they become the defaults that we easily slide into, and it becomes more difficult to veer onto a different path. Of course these grooves can be positive or negative thoughts and behaviors.
There was a time years ago when I had a walking group in a public defense office where I used to work. After lunch we’d have a walk together to a local coffee shop and back to the office. We groused and complained most of the way, about judges, prosecutors, bosses and coworkers. I thought I’d really miss those walks when I got transferred to a different branch office. Instead, I realized the walking had been great exercise, and the company and comradery was good, but the complaining was a downer. I’d created a strong habit of collecting complaints and grudges to spout off each afternoon, as colorfully and profanity-filled as possible. Sometimes venting and processing can be constructive, this was not. This was filling my pockets with negative gunk, just to add to it and carry that stinky weight around. That was a crappy groove.
I don’t want to be in that groove, deepening it with repetition. I want to get a new groove.
I’ve focused quite a bit of attention in the last few years on developing appreciation through gratitude practices. I’ve thought less about the flip side. It’s been a while since I checked in on how much I’m venting, processing…and just complaining.
This is where the challenge comes in. My friend Stacy Sims described it to me recently, and then my daughter came home from school talking about her teacher doing something similar. Using information found here from Tim Ferriss and also summarized here (crediting Will Bowen, who wrote the book A Complaint Free World: How to Stop Complaining and Start Enjoying the Life You Always Wanted), this is the version I’ve settled on:
- The goal is to go 21 days without complaining.
- A complaint is defined as “describing an event or person negatively without indicating next steps to fix the problem.”
- The marker is a bracelet that is moved from one wrist to the other when I find myself complaining. This will build awareness.
I picked a dissent bracelet gifted to me by two mentees, which I love. The word dissent will help me increase awareness that constructive, action-oriented problem solving is not a complaint and is something I aim to increase. Similarly, political protest and dissent are not complaints, and are valuable advocacy for systemic change. The bracelet is a little itchy and I might switch to a simple elastic band if needed, but I’m starting with this.
I’ve put on my bracelet. I might wear out my wrists moving it back and forth. I’m looking forward to what I will learn along the way.
Anyone want to try this out with me?